Ramblings after an Ayahuasca journey inward.

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Nothing really matters, we are but bits of information, sound, VIBRATION… My mind was deconstructed into a million pieces… all at once! The veil lifted. The void was SOUND and WATER, the gods were drumming… everything melting away.  I was thrown into a box of bouncing noise and vibration. THERE IS SO MUCH NOISE!

There was the felling that I was LOOSING my mind, but, of course, I was LITERALLY doing that: My ego trying to clench, resisted, warned me about insanity or worse, not being able to return… until it LET GO…

We seem to be living inside a construct, a matrix, a PROGRAM.

WAVES of music, vibration, echoed amplified, cleansing, purging me and the group.

There were Maori warriors, Quechua, Dakota, Hopi chants. The goddess of the sea came to sooth us all, with her infinite voice.

I’m a healer, I’m an old soul… I could see FIRE dancing, wood being crafted… just before I would spiral down again into the rollercoaster of sound, breaking me apart.

There is so much busyness inside, thoughts, noise, obsessions… I could feel it all, hear it all…I wanted to go back to the ILLUSION.  It is a beautiful illusion indeed…

My mind would obsess over everything, distracting me… holding me back again into the box. “Do not obsess, TRUST, trust. You’ve got this, you asked for this, you can do it, you are PROTECTED. We got you” I would muster, while hearing the shaman chant repeatedly, calling me, purging me once more.

Then I was gone again…silence…void….vibration…terrifying and intense…unbearable at times.

I could only hang on to that slit of light coming from the door…it stretched like a narrow hallway. I clenched to it as my only possible exit.

Rainbow bits of colour, full spectrum divided into tiny pieces attached to each other by strings, cords humming…transmitting INFORMATION…

The humming, the drumming… Snakes and monsters were summoned every time the shaman chanted…It pulled them from under the earth, from inside my bones… Then her voice and her water soothed, calmed us like a  mother to a child.

I could hear everything: the sea, the machine, the universe, the “clink clank” of marbles on a floor…the first sounds of CREATION…and my hand holding on to the metal of the bowl.

There was this old soul in me: this lady who was tired of waiting for all of us to AWAKEN. She kept yawning while tapping her nail on the bowl, clank, clank… She was me, board of the game… it is all indeed a game…I laughed.

I tried to call on all my preconception of deities, angels, masters… they weren’t inside the construct. “non of that matter’s here” Inside there is only noise, division, duality… all part of the program.

I kept obsessing about my skin,  the inner noise of my guts moving, the blood flowing, the temperature of my body…the nuisance and filth of this entrapment… my face melting like cold wax, my whole self becoming liquid, the feeling of cold sweat…time draggin’. There is no time! There TRULY is no time.

PEACE came in the end, and GRATITUDE. My children appeared in my vision as the only reality. I poured so much love over them. My partner appeared as a lighthouse, a star… my guide. I love him deeply..I could feel it like never before.

I felt LOVE for everything and deep UNDERSTANDING. There was no mind, no duality.

As the last songs were sung, and the welcome back was said, I could only feel like as I have birthed myself. I couldn’t help but think that we can’t ALL handle the truth at once. The Illusion is there for us to feel safe. We need to purge and clean and transmute while raise the vail slowly. Not everyone is ready to step out of the matrix… yet consciousness awaits…

The SPIRIT is beyond the construct, beyond the void, beyond the program. I couldn’t see it last night, I could only feel it guiding me, giving me strength and calling me HOME. 

4/2/2017

-I was on and off.

 

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