My son was my sitter (legend!) and I organized my therapy room to be the setting: Cushions, blankets, music, tuning forks, and bowls… My life partner and my daughter were also in the house.
A sudden feeling of nausea and dread engulfed me. I got very hot suddenly. Vertigo, a sense of confusion, and the breaking of my current reality started to hit fast. I held on to my son’s arm for comfort and I started to describe what I was seeing and feeling. I felt calmer and I could see the beauty of all that was moving around: It was like all of Alex Grey’s paintings, all the psychedelic images, and paintings you can find on the internet…exactly like that!
Everything started to feel and appear hyper-real… everything was breathing and alive. My hands lagged as I moved them..giving me a thousand arms and fingers…It became overwhelming..too much was going on.
I suddenly panicked and I wanted it all to be over. I felt high resistance building within. I asked my son how long had to been and It had only passed 45min to an hour and the trip hadn’t even peaked (I read is usually around the 2-hour mark). At this stage I couldn’t manage the music, I started to feel really uncomfortable and unsettled, really anxious and really cold…freezing cold!
Everything started to turn into water, moving, melting, dripping…I heard my sons’ voice distorting. A memory of past ayahuasca sessions triggered fear (link). I asked my son for help. He turned off the music and put on a video lecture of Ram Dass…His voice soothed me, I could understand what he was saying. I felt a sense of LOVE from all the shapes I was seeing, so I said that out loud and it felt really good. My son helped me by saying it will all be ok and LOVE was the answer (i know this could sound very corny, but the sound of the word love had a distinct frequency I could feel…and it soothe me).
The anxiety resided for a while. I focused on one thing at a time… I looked at the carpet and I noticed it was moving like quicksand, it was creating the Flower of Life shape and replicating itself. The carpet turned into liquid sand moving into geometric patterns continuously…right in front of my eyes! The flower of Life was indeed a template… I was in awe… I told my son what I was seeing and the sound of my voice started interacting with the geometry. The liquid carpet started to rise and form 3D shapes resembling the temples of Angkor! It was so beautiful…
Here I started feeling very orgasmic, very elevated… The ceiling was a cathedral of plasma rainbow geometry, moving and morphing into unimaginable mandalas…It was incredible to witness.
Another wave of nausea, fear, anxiety, dread arrived…pushing me hard towards deconstruction. I started resisting again. I felt like I wanted to runaway…escape! I felt trapped! I felt really old, a very old tree, my bones felt ancient… a very old soul trapped into what it seemed like an endless cycle of life and death in this dream.
I started recognizing a pattern, a cycle.
I could see my son’s body turning into sand as well, but vibrating in place..like a Chladni plate with sand, vibrating at such high speed creating mass. I could literally see this happening.
The afternoon light entering the room was flickering at a very high speed as if inside the room time had frozen and time outside the room was speeding up.
Despite my attempts to stay sane, in control, focusing only on the beautiful glitching colours around me, I couldn’t ignore the growing despair within. I felt like, how I assume, autism feels like… Everything was overwhelming..life felt too intense, it was menacing! I felt it was completely overtaking me and soon I would cease to exist!
The warmth of my son’s body kept me safe..we hugged for a while. I was still freezing cold… I felt him being this beautiful anchor for me, a staff, a walking stick in this hard journey…holding me. I felt really old again..a feeling of death came over me, this time as a true balm…the quietness of this intense experience we call life… If only I could let go..truly close my eyes and go deeper…
I tried… My son left the room for a moment and told me to embrace the feeling and meditate…
I closed my eyes (for the first time) and a vertiginous feeling encased me with fractals of shapes and colours..impossible visuals moving in very bright electric colours taking me downwards and innards very quickly..too quickly. I felt dizzy and panicky, I opened my eyes. I couldn’t let go, it was too much. I wanted it to stop… I felt tired. Another cycle of feeling trapped and stuck started. I felt I was sweating, turning into water, deconstructing… I could recognize the feeling of inevitability…I would have to let go soon…
My son came back to the room.he was only away for 5 min…it felt like an hour had passed! The room still had afternoon glow, it had only been an hour since the journey started.
He then suggested going out into the garden, but the thought of leaving my house was dreadful, I felt paranoid. So we went into my bedroom. I wanted to get warm. The feeling of shifting rooms was good. I felt lifted as if I was leaving all the anxiety behind. I still needed him with me, when things were getting tough, I would look at him so I was reassured I still existed and I was still in this reality.
This new psychedelic reality was so glitchy, so distorted, it felt like my brain was shutting down as if a computer inside my brain was rebooting…taking away from me, my entire life and sense of existence.
It occurred to me again that everything was a simulation ( I had this realization in former psychedelic journeys), a hologram. Everything a gigantic stage. I could see the energy bits of information and frequency. The foundation of reality ultimately was made of packets of energy moving and spinning endlessly, taking shape. Everything looked like the inside of a computer, including sound.
Sounds were echoing, slowing, and speeding at different rates, depending on the source..electric devices crackled while voices echoed. I could hear a constant dripping sound, like water dripping on a bucket.
My son’s face started to look shinny with bright sparks everywhere. His face grew and became a deity, a giant. He was so incredibly beautiful and peaceful.. shinning and wise..he was beyond this world! There were spirits all around him… Japanese and Vedic, he was guarded, protected. I told him what I was seeing.
Another wave of dread and anxiety took me once again. I had to have the courage to dive into it this time…
So I did…
I closed my eyes and felt incredibly afraid… There was pure untouched darkness…endless darkness..nothing…nothingness.
I felt I was falling and falling…
Then I heard inside of me: Is OK, Let go… You wanted to see what is behind all this..you need to let go of your mind…
I saw millions of spheres (cells) exploding and imploding like a breath and I became one tiny speck, a spark, an orb so bright and so ridiculously tiny at the same time…
Then like the screen of an old TV when it gets turned off… The spark started fading, going away until it was gone…
I was gone
I was nothing
I ceased to exist
Yet I was witnessing the non-existence, as soon as I thought this, I reappeared!
It was like a breath, like holding your breath…Everything came rushing back on and I opened my eyes…fear started to crawl back and I said out loud: I am god and I made fear, so fear begone, I don’t need you! As soon as I said this I felt expanded and a voice said to me: You want to see what is possible? What is your power? go ahead try it!
I joined my fingertips in both my hands as if holding a seed in each one and then both hands almost touching each other, leaving a small space in between the tips. I could see the fabric of reality emanating from my hands, geometry moving, and morphing. I could sense I could materialize whatever I wanted…It was so pure and vivid…
I got distracted by shapes forming inside the glass of my bedroom window..like maps to ancient civilizations: Aztec shapes morphing and creating emerging maps right there in the window. The crystals of the glass became alive and these tiny specks of crystal dust were creating all the tapestry of ancient civilizations. It looked like ants moving inside the glass building stuff while the outside reality was being mirrored, clouds were spiraling and the sky was filled with geometric mandalas. ..this led me into another gasping orgasmic feeling, watching all this… At this stage I could feel many aspects within me thinking and having a conversation within, I started to voice all these voices. (recorded)
I could feel water inside my body moving like a serpent, perhaps my own energy currents or bloodstream.
The waves of repetitive cycles, feeling trapped, and tired kept coming like an ocean. At times it felt I was really drowning, so hard to keep on swimming.
Sunset came. It was around 6pm and I had been 2 hours now on the journey. I felt very thirsty, my brain felt like it had stretched. I saw my plants shrinking and growing as if a big cosmic breath.
I felt I had achieved a new state of being within this reality, I was in a different time and frequency. I could feel the past and future all at once..like a soothsayer, I felt I could summon anything I wanted to see.
I saw My son’s spirit. I saw his future and his nature. I felt I was in my death bed and I was saying my goodbyes, I told him to never doubt himself and his wisdom, he was not from this world. He didn’t have any past incarnations or stories connected to the earth.
I asked to see my partner physically under this state.
He came and sat by the bed. I saw his face shapeshifting rapidly, taking many forms. His face grew lengthwise, like an Egyptian face, grew cheekbones and shin, his face had markings (alien-like markings) he grew a horn-like half a rhino, half a man face… then he turned very very old, like an old tree with electronic markings on his face, then his face glitched and turned into faces I could recognize as If I knew all these faces… I then had the certainty we knew each other for a very very long time..millennia! I saw into his eyes and they sparked in recognition.. we have been together many times, we are as old as each other.I felt emotionally overwhelmed at this realization, so much love and pain intertwined…he has done so much for me, always by my side.
I felt I was saying goodbye, I started telling him how tired I was of all these huge cycles… and he understood.. its almost over he said.
I was shown this carved knife made of bone and wood which symbolized our relationship. It was made of one piece unbreakable and strong like a blade.
I then connected to an ancient pain from the planet, we had done something terrible..an experiment that went very wrong and everything was burning… I felt the pain of the planet burning and no one doing anything…
I started to come down at around 7pm, I felt I was regaining control, I could leave the room and watch myself in the mirror. I wanted to see myself.
My face shapeshifted into many faces as well, a very old woman like a tree with cat-like markings, a jaguar, then I turned very young very quickly, a tall Navajo woman full of spark… a blue being! I saw my aura glowing in bright rainbow colours very vivid and detailed.
I got out into the lounge to interact with my family. It was dinner time, I was kind of hungry but still nauseous, reality still was very colourful and glitchy, I could still see my hands and the hands of everyone lagging as they moved.
I saw my daughter and could sense her emotions instantly, I could feel everyone’s emotional state even if they didn’t know it.
I suddenly became a 10-year-old! I felt like I was my 10-year-old self. I felt giggly and playful. I started playing with my daughter, we were dinosaurs eating trees (broccoli) I felt my emotions very raw and pouring in. I felt kind of sad because my parents were not with me… I felt on my own. I started feeling like Phoebe (the character from Friends) happy silly and yet insightful.
I started recalling my journey and started sharing it with my family. I felt awkward and intense around them, I asked them and they said they loved me just the way I am. I felt deep love and gratefulness for them. like there were no emotional walls around me…I truly felt like a child.
I went back to my room and felt like a 4-6-year-old suddenly feeling very upset about something, I started crying and I buried myself under the blankets… I truly felt my inner child crying and wailing openly..feeling all the sadness swallowing me, yet the sadness had the depth of a small child… then it stopped suddenly and I started to laugh hysterically!
It was like a performance, I felt an aspect of me performing..like I could feel my emotions deeply and also observe them and detach quickly.
Life felt so emotional…I could feel my emotions like colours on a canvas…
I could choose my life to be overwhelmingly emotional, out of control or incredibly uplifting and beautiful, or both.
As the trip resided, I felt full of energy, wired up. I was raw, vulnerable, and open. I felt clean, clear, and expanded. I couldn’t sleep much…
The next day I woke up with a headache at the base of my skull as if my brain had been through an intense workout! yet everything felt very new, bright, and colourful.
I felt very peaceful, relieved, empty from emotional baggage. I felt really joyful and detached as well.
I can say that this journey was a combination of my past 3 Ayahuasca trips but with the visuals of hyperreality and emotional overdrive.
This is what I saw and experienced firsthand.
1. Everything is SOUND-FREQUENCY vibrating at such speed we can only see on altered states of mind. Everything is Energy and the rate and speed of this energy create the matter we perceive as solid.
2. Everything is INTERCONNECTED to a web/net/fabric of reality that is ever glowing, flowing, and morphing. It is liquid light which responds to our emotional state of being, our voice, and thoughts.
3.The spirit world is ALL AROUND US and IS US. Nothing exists outside of us. We are our ancestors and cosmic beings happening at once. There is no such thing as LINEAR TIME. Everything is co-existing simultaneously.
4. This reality is a product of our minds. Death feels like shutting off our mind, the projector. When we lose our mind, we enter the nothingness, the darkness we so much fear, and we cease to exist within the reality we perceive, yet our consciousness remains. In this sense, we never die, what dies is the perception of the reality we are creating continually.
5. All wisdom and knowledge exists everywhere. (the trees, the windows, the sky, the music, the ether..) We are constantly interacting with information. As we interpret and experience this information, then it becomes part of who we are. We need to open ourselves to the realization that everything that is existing is showing us what we need to know and what and who we are.
6. This particular life experience is very emotional oriented. Emotions are key to understanding life fully. The more we place mechanisms of control and resist our emotions, the more we feel this seemingly darkness, engulfing us. The resisting of feeling is what we call anxiety, perhaps it is charged up/built-up emotional energy that needs to be released. When we release built-up emotional energy, we empty our bodies from having to hold on to this energy…we let go of control and we become lighter, more open, and free to the frequencies of joy, which rush into the space we created.
7. The psychedelic experience is a true therapeutic tool to not only be shown what we need to acknowledge, but it also gives us the realization and first-hand experience to go through seemingly unbearable moments, becoming a training ground, a microcosm of life itself, thus giving us an opportunity to build emotional resilience.
If I could do it all over again, and this might apply to life itself, I would say:
I would RESIST LESS, control less, SURRENDER MORE, care less about finding the Why’s of life or what is happening and rather EMBRACE the CHAOS, the NOT KNOWING, the unknown, and the SILENCE.
I’ll be more CHILDLIKE, less preoccupied, more playful. Being more curious and moving around more, rather than being paralyzed and stuck.
I would be less REACTIVE and more CREATIVE.
So all is as it should always be, life is but a big long and deep breath 🙂
You can hold your breath all you like, thinking you will drown, but it is the holding of your breath (your resistance) what is creating the feeling of drowning… Instead, if you breathe in, instead of drowning, you’ll allow life to take over and take you to new experiences!
- SIDE NOTES:
Perhaps micro dosing can give me the ability to move slowly through the journey and enjoy more. Perhaps not throwing myself too deep too fast (as I usually do) can feel more manageable…yet this nature of mine to dive fast and deep has given me great insight and strength.
I was ON and OFF